Home safe.
I am incredibly sad. I would like to say that is because I am home after having been back home but this is doubtfully the case. More, I think its that I'm depressed because its not so much that I feel sad as that I don't really feel anything at all. And, to be honest, I've felt this coming on for awhile now, but part of me really thought that if I just made to the states, or if I just made it back here I'd be okay. However, anyone whose ever been depressed can tell you that "just making it through" things doesn't make you better... it just means you're still not well and that you didn't enjoy whatever it is that you've just "made it through". I fucking hate that. But, then I could just be over-reacting and this could be jet lag and I could wake up in the morning and feel and be spectacular. I don't see this happening, but it is a possibility.
We were sitting on the plane in Newark, and had been for about forty-five minutes when the pilot announced that we were somewhere around 30 or 40 in line to take off. He said he didn't know why there were massive delays, but that there were massive delays. In my head, I saw the massive delays caused by a few people on different airplanes simulataneously being freaking out and having enough of being on planes. My worst fear was that the flight was going to be grounded and that John would have to go back through immigration or some shit like that and be thumbed scanned again so that we could stay in a shitty hotel in New Jersey while the airline sorted some other way to get us home. I also had an incredible urge to cry on the flight partly from being tired of being at the whim of other people's plans and (at least in my head) other people's emotions and partly because crying just seemed like a good idea at the time. I settled for falling asleep with my neck wrenched upward which meant that I woke up in incredible pain (and was pained for the journey by the time we finally got off the ground an hour and a half late).
Mostly right now, I am sitting in my house trying to remember where I put my phone card and thinking that my friends in Wales don't really know me. But, then I don't think I really know me anymore, either. I do, however, really, really miss my Iowa friends and am incredibly bummed that I don't get to see more of them, more often.
