We'll Call it a Creative Block
Its Sunday afternoon. It should surprise no one that it is drizzling outside the window. I am a little disappointed by it because I thought it might be nice to go for a walk this afternoon. My boyfriend is snoring softly on the sofa; this is what Sundays are for. I am a little anxious and a little restless and a little annoyed at the rain. But, my current dilemma is not the rain or even the fact that I could really use a shower. It is what to have for lunch. I have to eat and then I have to go back to reading and writing because I have proposals due. I want to continue studying. I need to continue studying. I'm having trouble writing anything that is anywhere near the realm of "acceptable proposal".
Oh, and we're planning to watch Hot Fuzz again this evening, so I have a limited amount of time to do this eating and writing in. (In addition to the already limited time of my looming March 16th deadline. Sucker's got to be in the mail before I pick Beth up at the airport.)
I think my problem writing has very little to do with a lack of ideas or even a desire to do it. I think its a problem with visualization. I'm having trouble seeing my future.
I am not a crackpot nor am I a psychic. Stop looking at me like I'm some weirdo.
I am a person who likes to have goals. Well, its a little more than just "likes". I thrive on not just having things to do but goals to work towards, something in the future, some point that I can stop at and say, "See, look. Good Job! I told you that it was possible!" Even little things like 10 pounds or a photography project or a word count. And, maybe this is a bad thing because it kind of discourages one from paying attention to the moment, but whatever. I often find my goals to be what reminds me to savor and not squander the time I have. And, this should surprise no one coming from a photographer but I'm very good at visualizing things. Creating an image in my mind to correspond with an idea is something I like doing and something I find helpful. This process of visualization is something that just hasn't been happening lately. Its a problem. I feel stuck. What's more, I feel trapped like I'm wallowing in a present without direction or hope of escape. You'd imagine this sort of existential dilemma is not fun. You'd be right. So, I've been trying, in between working on things like having lunch with Georgia and looking for a job (I have the phone number of the guy who runs the fruit and veg stand near my house. He's looking for part-time help. I will keep you posted.) and, of course, breaking out last year's coursework so that I can right a proposal in pristine "Just like Alison taught us" form I've been trying to address the reasons for this creative block. And, I'm hoping that will help because I really need it to.
